the training program had been transferred because Mr Fitz is handling issues relevant to the newest financial crisis. we will meet early in Nov. My families had been cooled down this week. I am proud of them. And appreciation shall be mine towards my aunty. She is really really a special and smart woman. She encouraged me a lot with clear and objective orientation direction and analysis. But no longer will I talk about Uncle to her. I understand her. And I shan't balance my own system when adding unnecessary confusions to her.
I am more than clear about how slightest role do i have to even think about or consider about his life. And obviously I am too arrogent and proud of myself judging other people's life. Not everyone need the same style of life and even similar value-taste of life as I do. Why would I be so proud? why？why did I even scare to have that feelings like....I wanna take care of him. I know there is nature of mother inside me. I believe it is that nature which makes me mad and act insanely simultaneously made other people misunderstood me. I force myself to stop being indulging my nature. taken in another way, this nature might also possibly be a desire. But no!!! it is not. I know myself, I know that the last thing I would ever do is to desire....isn't that weird and humiliating?
It is surprising and confusing for me to picture the man I love living in an unknown life which I thought he would be much happier and...yet he is not even my man. who am I to picture it? I told myself. don't mix the two irrelevant worlds just like don't mix the two irrelevant cases. I know I could do that. yet I began to hate myself. I wish i never know him. I wish i never know there is man I don't have any role to pay attention to. it is not sad...it is just....I don't know that feelings...I guess I won't allow myself to have any feelings...he might joke about that. he will tease me...that is fine.
I miss that cat so much....
Sean asked me whether I will take care of him when he grow old and sick. I solidly say, no. ' i won't take care of you when you grow old or get sick..." he is extremely shocked. He might have already been regretting for marrying me. I smile:
"I want to experience the world with you. "
"i want to discover our life with you. "
"I want to enjoy our love with you. "
"I want to share my life with you...."
"And...I don't want to take care of you...... there is just...no such a thing...in my mind...."
he smiled and kissed me...