i turn off the phone and think.
there s a terrible terrible restaurant near my house, i know it dirty, terrible, bad service. but i went there every day. buz it s convenient. same story with the present b. am i too old to change? i didnt really neeed one, i dont really like him, i left him even several times but fs always convinced me not to give up, older bros explained to me that s just kid boy, he need time. and i asked myself 3 or 4 times why? what is the point there? i knew it was purly an experiment at the fucking very beginning. i want, i really want to train myself as a tolerant a kind a open mind normal normal girl. i will do every thing perfectly with my best.(actually i did a lot of times, i just dont want to do it anymore so most of the case will be closed within 2 weeks cuz i lost my patience. sandy is the exception, he left me, he just...doesn't love me but that is ok. truly)
this time. i performed.
if this moment i walk away, i didn't owe him anything. the ring could be just dumped in the dustbin and nothing more relevant. i felt lucky i hav been always independent. but what about my experiment? i haven't really truly desperately hurt him yet. that is the reason why i didn't leave yet.
but it s not his fault. how could it be his fault that he doesn't love science? how could it be his fault that he eat his words becuz he couldn't leave his work? how could it be his fault when he can't find the exact yogurt i want? how coudl it be his fault that he can't understand my words or thoughts? how? why? why am i so picky? am i? am i?
i am still thinking and wondering what i should do now...
i drank a lot of water...reallly a lot(i cant imagin....)
i want to have dinner now, but i could imagine how much i am gonna eat and later getting fat and ugly. this is what i am when i was young(as young as like 2 years ago i guess) i didnt need to fill the emptiness of mind by filling the emptiness of stomach, i really dont need to do so, at all.
the story goes another way.
during the experiment, i faked sometimes, of cuz. and when i was faking, i was the role( the girl who is normal, who is great tempered and super open minded and tolerant and gentle and polite...blah...bloody blah...) and i played the role too profoundly that...i kind of really got some feelings towards him. i want him to be successful, i helped him, i took the side of him, i wish him happy even from my heart. (i guess that is what a great actress needs, even thought i hate acting, but this is kind of acting is out of my control sometimes...)
nonsense speaking here to myself or to some strangers or...friends, i guess.
i do need help.
i don't know what to do.
i think i d better just keep the phone turnted off and sticking myself in my own space, reading and watching TVs.
or...i need to date new peoples again. to fill the emptiness of the gap between the reality and the dream.
drink more water.
btw, the day after tomr is my mom's birthday. march 8th, cute day. i want to send her a gift again, but, suddenly i don't want to do that. i jsut don't know why, i felt bad when everytime there is another me inside me to push me do sth. for instance: study....sending gifts....work hard...blah fucking blah.....but i am going to die( i am physically sick now. i felt ache a lot from parts all over my body, my breast, my heart...my mind is sick, but i hate my body is sick...i felt i could really die of some sickness every minute. but i don't want. cuz there are still a lot of problems i couldn't figure out... and there might be some great guys who are waiting for me in some corners of the world even thought we nevr met yet....i like imagining that, i know it s stupid, but it makes me feel hope. hope might be the most important thing or the only important thing i own.)
there r a lot of things i couldn't and i never will, tell u.